not that difficult difficult, but not that easy either
being here as who I am right is not easy. and yes, I'm avoiding the word "difficult" because I don't think that it is difficult difficult but it is also not easy either. haha haih that's how complicated I am. yeah of course nothing is easy in this world but me, knowing myself, I can't believe that I'm here right now achieving most of my dreams and wishes.
I've never, in my whole 20 years something life (I feel old huhu), really work hard for something. I mean at least from my own point of view, I think that I'm always lazying around and procrastinate most of the time. BUT I got what I want, things that I've always wanted since I don't know, 5 years ago? being here right now, I won't say that I'm successful, I still have a lot more to achieve and currently I have nothing to be proud of hm.
so, the main point I'm writing this, is because I think that I don't deserve all this cause 1) I've seen a lot of people struggled real real hard (at least better than me) but didn't get what I get right now and 2) I didn't put my effort 100% to deserve this. ok disclaimer, not that I'm not grateful with what I have right now, I just don't think that I deserve all of this like there are people who struggle a lot more than me. oh also I think that I'm not good enough to be here because I'm just not good. I mean like my knowledge is very limited, I don't speak any other language besides Malay and English, and I'm not updated with a lot of things happening in this world hm. yeah I know such a disappointment.
eh but (ok this is me being rational and reflecting myself while I'm writing this hahah), what if I'm meant to be here like this whole time in whatever condition, I'll be here. it is just that if I work a little harder I might get a better place than here or maybe I will get award or something, right right?
now I don't know if I'm gonna post this or not because I've been thinking rationally while I wrote this, that I should accept and be grateful with what I have right. AND DON'T FEEL GUILTY. there must be reasons why I'm here and why other people be there at where they are. I should also not think of the past and work better for tomorrow and the future. yeah the old me might be lucky to get all this but we'll never know if me, still being like this in the future will results in the same lucky thing again. and definitely and surely I have to improve myself. not just with the academic thing but also as a human being. gonna read more and push myself to the limit. all the best!
till then, suraya.
I've never, in my whole 20 years something life (I feel old huhu), really work hard for something. I mean at least from my own point of view, I think that I'm always lazying around and procrastinate most of the time. BUT I got what I want, things that I've always wanted since I don't know, 5 years ago? being here right now, I won't say that I'm successful, I still have a lot more to achieve and currently I have nothing to be proud of hm.
so, the main point I'm writing this, is because I think that I don't deserve all this cause 1) I've seen a lot of people struggled real real hard (at least better than me) but didn't get what I get right now and 2) I didn't put my effort 100% to deserve this. ok disclaimer, not that I'm not grateful with what I have right now, I just don't think that I deserve all of this like there are people who struggle a lot more than me. oh also I think that I'm not good enough to be here because I'm just not good. I mean like my knowledge is very limited, I don't speak any other language besides Malay and English, and I'm not updated with a lot of things happening in this world hm. yeah I know such a disappointment.
eh but (ok this is me being rational and reflecting myself while I'm writing this hahah), what if I'm meant to be here like this whole time in whatever condition, I'll be here. it is just that if I work a little harder I might get a better place than here or maybe I will get award or something, right right?
now I don't know if I'm gonna post this or not because I've been thinking rationally while I wrote this, that I should accept and be grateful with what I have right. AND DON'T FEEL GUILTY. there must be reasons why I'm here and why other people be there at where they are. I should also not think of the past and work better for tomorrow and the future. yeah the old me might be lucky to get all this but we'll never know if me, still being like this in the future will results in the same lucky thing again. and definitely and surely I have to improve myself. not just with the academic thing but also as a human being. gonna read more and push myself to the limit. all the best!
till then, suraya.
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